Being down here
Engulfed by all this doubt
pain, and defeat
Isn't so lovely.
Drowning in the dark
I have been taken.
I run but can't seem to
find a way out.
I push on.
But can't seem to stay
on my feet long enough.
But still I go on.
Searching for the light at the
end of this long tunnel.
Searching for freedom.
And so here I am.
It is quite bright.
And it's beckoning me.
To come up and rise
from the darkness of
defeat once again.
Hey Angela!
ReplyDeleteLet me start with a pro :) I like the way you portrayed your allusion. You compared yourself very well to Persephone. I am very familiar to her myth so I was able to see the parallels. You also had very nice use of figurative language. "drowning in the darkness" is good use of symbolism.
As for some improvements, I would take out unnecessary wording in order to make the poem more interesting. For example, in the first stanza, i would say:
Down here
Engulfed by doubt
pain, defeat
Isn't so lovely.
thats it :) hope i helped!
SORRY ANGIE BUT I SWEAR I DID POST A COMMENT ON THIS!
ReplyDeleteohk, well, i really like your word choice. you used simple words but they were meaningful ones. like defeat, pain, & lovely. all showed expression. i really liked the sentence, "searching for the light at the end of the tunnel"
improvements would be to be more clearer. show more of the transition from the dark tunnels to the bright light. be more clear of where your standing point is
well, i hope this helped.
& sorry again
Good Luck (:
Hi Angela,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your portrayal of Persephone and her perspective of being in the nether world. Your teammates have made comments on stylistic elements; I think you could follow them or you could not...it kind of depends on what you think of their effect on the rhythm and flow of your piece.
My recommendation for revision is to include or revise some of the details to show a bit more of you/your life, specifically. That would help to give the allusive comparison more impact.
Nice job...glad you can now work on the final :)
mrs s